The Sure Thing

There are very few sure things in this world, but this is one of 'em: Anything done with confidence automatically kicks ass, and anything done with hestitation and fear does not. It's as simple as that.

Take Gwen Stefani, for example. Without all the glamour and glitz, she's a normal girl, maybe not even considered conventionally pretty. But all done up and doing her thang, especially onstage? That girl rocks the house and makes you believe she's the most gorgeous woman alive. Gwen's attitude makes everything she does kick the biggest booty ever.

And then there's me. Debilitating stage fright + uncertainty in my musicanship = I'm not even kicking premature amoeba tush.

The latest example: I was at this class I'm taking the other night--which consists of nine guitarists, one bassist and one drummer--standing onstage with the pink paisley, my shitty amp, and my volume turned down to about five (just in case I screwed up) playing fairly-sort of-semi-possibly OK. Or so I thought.

Before I go on with this story, let me clarify that in this class, we are for some unknown reason playing only the songs of KISS. And that I have never heard the majority of these songs before we start playing them. And for that, I am eternally grateful since most of them are a classic example of bad late 70s Cheez Whiz, trying to sound serious and epic when they are just plain embarassing.

Still, that's no excuse. Well, it's sort of an excuse, but bear with me here.

So there I am with a bunch of KISS-heads who are all vying to play the solos (me, hiding to the side of the stage hoping no one expects me to play anything but rhythm). And there's everyone else trying to knock each other over to get a microphone to sing (while I look like a turtle trying to suck my head into my shell). Not exactly exuding confidence, right? Yeah, I thought so, too.

Toward the end of rehearsal, I got lost during the bridge of a song (that I had never heard before, remember? OK, that's another excuse, I admit it). As I was trying to figure out whether the teacher was saying E or D or B or any other letter of the alphabet that vaguely rhymes with one of them, a classmate/bandmate apparently noticed my confusion and took it upon himself to decide I was a) deaf b) completely retarded and c) an incredibly bad guitar player.

He literally came over to me and started placing my fingers in some facsimile of the right positions, screaming "B, then E! B, then E!" in my ear. Completely humiliating. Seriously...I have found myself muttering at random times since then in the car, in line at the grocery store, in the shower, "I know how to find B and E on the neck of the guitar--in several different positions, too! Did you think I didn't? We'd been playing that same riff for a half an hour! What did you think I was doing that entire time, faking it?????" I clearly haven't been able to let it go yet, and I'm hoping I can talk myself into going back again next week if this is how embarassing it's going to be.

But back to the point: I betcha if I had been standing in the middle of the stage with swagger and confidence, elbowing my classmate/bandmates out of the way to get to the mic, and turning up my volume--well, then maybe I wouldn't have looked like I needed help.

I would've look like I was kicking ass.

Even if I wasn't.

Comments

[Lisa]

Missy, that dude sucks - you rule! L x

[Joe Ogiony]

Trish -- given your taste in music, I have to wonder why you’re even in a guitar group that is actually studying/playing KISS???!!!

After you joined Dad's Gone Bad for a night (I am the lead singer who was AWOL the night you played with them), Mr. Cody suggested taking a look at your web site. I found it enjoyable especially since I am also a newbie(sort of) at the guitar and I love going to see music.

I have been playing about two-three years and wouldn't dare to do it with the band (they are out of my league -- thank you -- but I can always dream). And when I did, the reaction was like the band mate (if that’s what you call him) in your lesson. Can you spell H-u-m-i-l-i-a-t-i-o-n? While I have that swagger while in front of a mic; I DO NOT Have any swagger at all when holding a guitar.

So check out alt.guitar.beginner. There are plenty of discussions about getting kicked in the pants when playing/learning guitar. Guess what? Since we absolutely love playing that stupid wooden box, we pick ourselves up dust ourselves off and start all over again(is that a cliché?). What’s encouraging about the site is there are many references to playing for 30-40 years and these guys/girls are still learning. So there is plenty of time to get that swagger you referred to in your note. There are also a number of threads about how important it is to find other guitar players at your speed and your taste to “jam“with -- so if you looking for someone to play with, let me know.

Finally, I'm interested in where you are taking guitar classes since that's the last place I would go given your lively & engrossing description of the last lesson.