I am completely, utterly frustrated.
No, not in in the romance novel euphemism kind of way.
Today in my guitar lesson, I sucked worse than I'd ever thought possible. No big deal, right?
I wish. Instead, I find myself pacing around the house, muttering and kicking and fuming and wanting a do-over.
I am frustrated that I put a ton of extra time in practicing this week and it totally didn't show.
I am frustrated that probably a lot of this has to do with performance anxiety, and I haven't been able to shake that since I was eight and fell off the beam 5 times in my first gymnastics competition, so it's not like it's just going to go away now.
I am frustrated that I even care. For sure my teacher doesn't , so why should I? I mean, he gets paid either way.
But I do. I so do. F-ing A, I do.
You know when you want something so badly, you would give your heart and guts and soul and left leg to get it? That's how I feel about bringing my guitar playing to a MUCH higer level. And I'm just not there yet.
What's a girl to do?
I know life doesn't always hand you a Hollywood ending, despite our most sincere desires. In reality, sometimes you just don't get the guy...that perfect job...a flat stomach...those killer guitar chops...or whatever it is you've always dreamed of.
For now, I remain humbled by what I lack; I continue to give it my best every day; and I will do so ad infinitum. I know frustration will rear its ugly head again and again. I know the ache will always be there. But instead of reducing my desire to a smoldering pile of ruin, it only serves to stoke the fire inside.
Heartfelt passion. Longing. A quest for the extraordinary. Thwarted attempts, time and again. Lusting after something you just can't seem to have, no matter how hard you try. Come to think of it, this whole guitar playing thing IS a lot like a romance novel. I just haven't gotten to my happy ending--the object of my desire becoming putty in my hands--yet.
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